hmmmm. how long has it been since sec 4? 3 years plus/minus? should be around there huh? so what have i achieved thus far? in my own opinion, nth. ky once told me he feels like he's a quitter. well for me, i feel like i'm a failure.

i think i've failed at almost everything. i've failed at friendship/brotherhood. i've failed to be a good family member. i'm still a no name in terms of bball. i'm a big time loser in relationship. i am not this, i am not that.

in these years, i've lost 4 really close friends. with these 4 gone, the group's real small now although the core of the group are still somewhat there. been real grateful that ky, jm, jj and justin are still around and there's an exciting addition in boss. but sometimes i wonder, won't things be way fucking cooler than now if the other 4 were still around? like more ppl to hang around with?

out of these 4, a couple of them has came to see us as a bunch of mofos for whatever reasons. for the other 2? well, i just didn't do a good job of keeping them around i think.

and this really sucks. for the ones that think that we are a bunch of mofos, it just prove how much a loser i am. for them to hang around us for so long and have them think of us in that manner is not something to be very proud of. for the ones that i've failed to keep around, all i'm gonna say is that i've messed up big time and that also, is not something to be very proud of.

if i'm the mediator of team18, i dare say i've failed terribly. and right now, i'm trying my very best to keep those really close friends around me and i hope i'm really able to. i don't wanna have another case whereby i will sit back one day and say, "fuck, why didn't i try to make things better with him/her?"

family. hah. these are people u see everyday. and i speak less than 10 words to my bro daily. pretty nice. i value intelligence and i respect the kind of intelligence he has. but, his kind of intelligence doesn't really appeal to me. in my opinion, i find that whatever he knows can be found in textbooks. ppl i really respect are ppl that can wow me with their not-in-textbook kind of intelligence, something call street smart or life experiences.

and seriously, i can't find anything to talk to my own brother. i've been thinking on how ky and me can talk non stop for hours and i can't last even 2 minutes with my bro.

aiyah. i don't know how to solve this fucking issue also. if i know, i won't be stuck right?

dream and passion. never really have much achievements in these area. failed to make it to the bball team in the first try out. joined ncc. went back for bball training upon invitation, failed to be matured enough to find a reason to stick around. failed to get second sergeant for ncc but managed to became a staff sergeant and supernumerary. however, i failed to receive recognition from the teachers in charge. am glad that i joined ncc for the ppl i'll eventually get to know but i will be left regretting for my whole life for not staying in the bball team.

also, i don't really know how to make myself feel better other than train my life away whenever i have the time. feeling pleased and happy with my achievements over some slight improvements. hahahaha. amateur. loser.

relationship wise? nv lasted more than 6 months. nice enough answer?

something's really wrong with me. i'm a major kick ass failure.