this game of fishing for answers sucks. it has to stop. wanna know why? because one day, i'll stop trying to fish for answers and you'll come crying with tears in your eyes asking me, "why?".

just like my answer to my mum, i'll say, "no particular reason".

that answer ain't a lie. the truth is, when it gets to that stage, i simply can't be bothered anymore.

and oh, while saying that, i'll probably be filled with a warped sense of satisfaction and joy because now, the tables are turned and you are the one fishing for something.

imagine the confused look on ur face.

imagine the unsettling tone in your voice.

imagine the feeling when u want to make something right and the person simply doesn't want to give u a chance to or a direction on how to go about doing it.

imagine the helplessness when u simply do not know what went wrong.

imagine ur brain running at full speed trying to filter and analyse every single detail from god knows when in hope of finding the slightest clue to solving the mystery and coming up with a good reply or answer, or so u thought, only to hit the wall again and having to start all over again, only to hit the wall again and having to start all over again, only to hit the wall again.........

see. when i cared and u told me i don't have to. its like applying brakes on a very fast moving train. the heart slows down everytime u tell me that. like the inertia the train has, i'll still ask until it comes to a complete stop.

and guess what, once it comes to a full stop, thats when i'll simply don't give a fuck. it makes my life and job easier to be frank.

if u want it to start again, its gonna take alot of effort to overcome the inertia and seriously, from the bottom of my heart, have fun doing that because its not gonna be easy.

do u get it? i bet u don't. oh well. its not like people care anyway, at least not until its too late.

 

what kept this man going after 5 rings? the desire and the love for the game?

 

then where's mine right now? maybe thats the reason why he's there and i'm stuck here.

 

i have nth but loyalty. i wanna know how it feels like to stick with one team for my whole career.

 

on a happier note. happy bday jun jie! love u bro.

new year. the decade to be exact. the msg i sent those retards shall stay here.

"hey bros. first up, happy new year! achievement unlocked arh. 10 years already. 10 years ago, we all had dreams and goals that we wanted to achieve. some of us got there and sadly, most of us aren't there yet. but the only thing thats constant along the way was you guys. we were once glorious with 14 or 15 members, but those that dropped out are immaterial now. they don't matter and what matters most is that the remaining 8 of us stuck together and got each others' backs no matter what. thanks for being there when shit happened and for being there to make life's every struggle less unbearable. cheers to another 10 years man. once again. thanks, happy new year and love u guys man."

talked about our past abit with ky and jj. we really did alot of stupid crap and went through alot of shit together.

i hope that when the next decade come, the 8 of us will still be brothers.

life is great like this.

in bunk, lying on your bed on a lazy afternoon with friends. each doing their own thing and you humming your favourite song away as you stare blankly at the ceiling. free from any thoughts. free from any worries.

then once in a while, try your best to irritate and piss the shit out of each other.

cant get any better than this.

always wanted to live this kind of lifestyle but man. thats a very fat hope.

some wise guy told me before that you do not need to be great in something, you just need to look great doing it. thats what i did.

bought these adidas team signature creator lo. its the same as my previous shoe, just with a different colour scheme.

total sex.

anyway, bought the same shoes because i find that the old adidas shoes suits me better.

stopped bball for 2 years, didn't train much. trying my best to get back into shape. another uphill battle, lets hope i can achieve something here. 

=)

woah. been a long long time since i last updated. have been a sergeant for a couple of months. just finish my first course recently. produced a golden bayonet. power right? hahahaha. no lah, there's only one detachment in the previous course i took, no matter what sure train out a golden bayonet one.

being an instructor is really tiring, but its quite fulfilling to see your cadets grow day by day. found out that my temper's quite good. didn't really f-ed any trainees up until too jialat.

went for jw's bday celebration last week. hell fun but was too tired to last throughout the night. drove justin's mazda 3 around. happy like fuck. driving skills still ok. had fun talking cock with sec sch friends.

team18's the best there is for me. really. best group of ppl around.

going to thailand for exercise on sunday. will be back on 7th sep. sibeh sianned out right now. dont really feel like going but no choice.

ahhh fuck. whatever. update next time. see u all when i see u. =)

back.

gonna officially be a sergeant in a couple of weeks time. not really excited about it. as in, moving my stuff over to pasir leba camp is gonna be a pain in the ass.

i'm more excited about seeing my first batch of trainees. really wonder what kind of instructor i'll be. i think i'm not cut out to be one cause i studied and passed my whatever tests in my course for the sake of passing them. never really thought i would stay behind and be an instructor u see.

life has been boring lately. what do you expect when all ur closest friends are serving ns albeit some lucky buggers by the name of waikit and justin. oh well, nth to complain about since pei ren's ord date is somewhere in 2050. hahahahahaha. epic right?

anyway, a little visit back to the past when we were not so sane and somewhat young and hopeless.

hahahahahahaha. top hug somemore eh? great great times back then.

woo back. haven been blogging due to some problems with blogger and pure laziness. missed out blogging for the whole month of april but huan loh!

anyway, completed my mortar course already. stayed back in artillery institute as an instructor. so kena internal promotion to 3sg before everyone else. life as a non trainee is good. no tekaning but now, every mistake i make cannot be settled by just pumpings alone. stressed arh.

wanted to go 3sir and slack, but since posting out, so just suck thumb lor.

gonna try my best to be a good instructor. good as in approachable, knowledgeable and also dont anyhow tekan trainee. was trainee once arh, know how it feels. so pray i wont forget how trainee life was like and dont give them hell.

ok lah. epic tired. night.

for the love of the game.











booking in yet again. emo. and can someone stop all the dying pls? its making me even more emo.

everything has fallen to pieces,
earth is dying, help me jesus.
we need guidance, we've been misled,
young and hostile, but not stupid.

reached level 21 in life recently. 9th march to be exact. for those who cared, thanks alot. really appreciated it. didn't really celebrate it. not much to celebrate about. just another day. why celebrate growing older?

9th march wasn't exactly a fun day. started the day with a 28km route march. seriously, no fun at all. parade and posting after that. was posted to artillery. something i wanted but not the best conclusion for me. despite all the rantings that i do not want to stay back for aslc, i actually wanted it due to the fact that i can be an instructor either at pasir laba camp or bmt after that.

but after hearing from friends that i need to chiong sua during reservice, maybe pressing buttons and loading of rounds ain't that bad afterall.

heard the news that my great grandmother passed away just when i was packing up for home after everything's done. wasn't really affected by it initially but as the news slowly sinks in, it kinda got to me. still rmb the times when i would visit her every sunday with my grandma. not that close but still a family member yo. what's worse, i thought that she passed away on my birthday. in the end, she passed away 2 days before hand on my cousin's bday.

was at her wake for the next 2 days, couldn't really lift my spirits. the only thing i'm looking forward to that week was the dinner outing with team18. the only group of ppl around who without fail can turn my upside down smile into a real smile.

and true to their reputation, the outing was epic. felt way better after that outing. greatest group of ppl around.

anyway, now that i've turned 21, really makes me wonder whether have i lived it right so far? am i strong enough? am i matured enough? where would i be now if i was a lil more demanding? where would i be now if i was a lil more matured back then? and where would i be now if i was more of a bastard? i dont have the answers and doubt anyone else has them too.

looking back, i'ved played basketball for 13 years, have known members of team18 for almost a decade and have left dunman for almost 5 years.

recently, i kinda lost the motivation and will to play bball. almost forgot how it feels like to be free on the court perfecting ur craft. almost forgot the joy and satisfaction upon hearing the "swish". almost forgot the excitement of finding a new obstacle to overcome that u don't really know how to react but simply just smiled. pretty cool ain't it?

13 years and i'm still learning new stuff and am still chasing after someone's back trying to make a mark for myself. just learnt some new stuff ytd. =) but my left knee feels weird recently. weak to be exact, thanks to the 28km route march. i've kinda lost a step and my explosiveness as compared to me during my peak period. i still have my old "seh" as a player, but the me right now is an empty shell. the old me would just say "its just back to the court for more training". but it really takes alot of time and discipline to do that. too much things to master but too little time here. most of the time when i booked out, i just wanna go out and relax with team18 and if that's impossible, then stay home and enjoy the alone time.

really wonder how nba superstars like tracy mcgrady, gilbert arenas, grant hill and many others cope with their demise as a dominant player in the league. i am nth compared to them but i am already kinda fucking lost and confused here.

team18 eh. i used to say that they have been around for a long time but until i do the math, i have no idea it was this fucking long. 8 years since i know jj, the bro i've known the longest. 7 for ky, 6 for jm and jl, 5 for all the other guys and 2 years for the girls. according to ky, good relationship with anyone is definitely a 2 way effort and i fucking grateful that everyone in this group has put in effort. close to 5 years after graduating from dunman and they are still around. jl said it best, this team is for a lifetime already. so better stay true, stay close and hopefully, we'll still be drinking kopi and crapping tgt at some random kopitiam when we are old ah pehs. =)

now that i'm 21 and really has act my age and be sane all the time, i seriously miss the times when i was 16. back then, all we look forward to was sch and how to make sch-ing fun in our sense. to do things on our own terms, have fun, act stupid and get drunk with my best friends. 16 to 18, these 3 years were some of the greatest time in my life up until now. not that its not fun now, but seriously, its really fun back then just being young and hopeless.

ok. gonna end this post soon. just some words of wisedom from this self proclaimed genius. first up, have fun in life. live in the moment. serious, you are only young once, make it fun. dont waste ur youth with books, use ur youth to make alot of fucking great memories. although in the end, you may prolly end up like me. having trouble getting into a local university. but still worth it right?

good things come to those who work. trust me. but work smart eh. have faith and work towards ur goal, if u fail, at least u've tried. in life, not everything will go ur way, there will be things you can have and there will be things that aren't meant to be urs. so try ur best to deal with it. for my case, its either team18 or a more successful basketball "career". i chose team18 and have no regrets. so now, i have to deal with the basketball shit myself.

for whatever things u are trying to achieve, if u are losing faith, just train. if you dont feel good about urself, just train. if u aren't feeling confident, just train. if you dunno what's ur next step, just train. ur training is the only thing that wont betray u.

whatever u do, follow ur own pace. no one else knows what u want more than u. have fun during the process and at times, the outcome doesn't really matters. if u've learnt something from a failure, its already a good takeaway.

dont waste ur time asking why things are unfair. the world is unfair to begin with. instead, use the time spent on complaining to do something else. this is not "not giving a shit", its just not letting things get to u. you'll live happier that way. =)

family and friends before everything else. they will be the ones u run to when u are down. focus too much on career and at the end of the road, there will be no one there for u. true, lesser earnings, but i think the bond u have will worth much more.

dont waste ur time making tonnes of friends. u are not here to win a popularity contest. use ur time to make friends that will be there for u always. my case? team18holdings.

play to win, but winning isn't everything. there's always a lesson to be learnt when u lose.

respect, loyalty and teamwork.

ok. fucking hungry right now. gonna eat. and i need to book in tml, just the thought itself is killing me. fuck!

memories, make me want to go back there, back there.
all the memories, make me want to go back there, back there.
all the memories, how can we make it back there, back there.
i want to be there again.

pardon me for the lack of updates eh. been somewhat busy lately. anyway, first up, happy belated bday to ky and jm and happy bday to jj.

been brothers for a long long time, hope that things will stay the same throughout eh. u all get what i mean, its in the sms-es i sent u all.

so what exactly happened in this one month void? for scs, there's fieldcamp which was epic hiong, non urban od package, section live firing, exercise wanderer, navigation/map handling test, matador and m203 live firing, urban ops, ioc test, aoc and lectures.

most of the activities were really fun and interesting. epic night view on a hilltop during field camp though we have no time to really appreciate it due to shellscrape digging and using every single chance to slp. spamming of smoke grenades. sitting on a bench in the dark with ur section mates while waiting for the night section live firing. wayne and his desire to have a run in with a ghost. navigating through the forest with a bunch of friends and having fun disturbing other teams and doing stupid things. all the stupid cock ups and mistakes we made be it purposely or unintentionally during urban ops. experiencing the shockwave of the matador sub caliber. locking each other out of the bunk while demanding for the password to enter. failed attempt to carry joel out of the bunk while he's slp-ing.

as for brothers, there's us meeting up to buy bday presents for those bday boys, hanging out as usual, ky's bday chalet at saf yacht club, jm's bday chalet at costa sands pasir ris, in between and hitting the "tiang", black jack, atm machines, poker set, remote controlled helicopter and baileys.


so yah. graduating from scs foundation term in 3 days time. there's a 28 km route march though. what a pain in the ass. hope some of us will be tgt for the pro term. alright. shall stop here.

booking in loh! epic sianned. hate this feeling. but! after u booked in, you'll feel just right at home. weird eh?

met up with members of team18holdings ytd. great outing. street fighters, blackjack and in between ftw yo. jl really sad case, not the host for this year but still lose until cui. hahahahaha. up there lah bro.

anyway, there's saw live fire tml. tolong ah tolong ah. don't let anything go wrong, i die also need to book out on friday night. alot of stuff to do.

i think there's field camp this week. hope it'll be fun. should be learning section movements and all these bah. interesting! but the force prep is a major pain in the ass. an hour plus infront of coy line leh. waste time only.

no mood.

last night it came as a picture,
with a good reason, a warning sign.
this place is void of all passion,
if you can imagine it's easy if you try.
believe me i failed this effort,
i wrote a reminder this wasn't a vision
this time where are you houston,
is somebody out there, will somebody listen?

from my favourite punk poets - blink 182. =)

hey hey, i'm back.

quick update. got my first badge in army! lol. ippt gold badge. happy. i still rmb the first badge i got in ncc, its the total defense bronze badge, hahaha. anyway, hope there are more to come.

cny's around the corner. going to meet up with members of team18holdings this sat. sexcited! haven really see them in a long long time.

the week wasn't that smooth for me. denied another chance to prove my worth. like seriously. if i fail after i have the chance, i will admit defeat. not even a chance and u give me a reason thats out of my control? wtf right? but whatever, life's like that.

played bball in the morning at pasir laba camp. got a lil serious while playing cause there's 2 poly sch team players on the opponent team. so yeah, wanted to test my abilities and my worth. nah beh. gap quite big i should say, or maybe i really got uber rusty. but on a happier note, gave quite afew blocks. =)

booked out early cause those who had gold for ippt had privileges. reached home, went bballing again on my own. haven done this in like months, feels real good. but it rained, cycled to the sheltered court. played some matches with some lower sch players. damn, kids nowadays are skillful. the jeremy way back in sec 2 maybe able to put up a good fight but will lose for sure i think. but maybe i dont have confidence in myself. i think everyone knows it eh. my confidence took a real big hit after my 2 to 3 years low point in bball.

anyway, charlie charlie bravo, my scs 4d number came up in lottery starters! i fucking nv buy! walao eh. my bunk mate said if i bought even $2 big, at least got 1k. =(((( heart pain.

oh yah. good news to myself.

yellowcard - 22nd march
sum 41 - 29th march
blink 182 - may/june
new found glory - later in the year

happy like fuck.

gotta slack and watch some movies. =)

the perfect lie.

holy shit. close to one month of not updating. have no time, no momentum for blogging, so shall rapid fire through this.

since the previous post, i've pop-ed from bmt. the 24km route march was nice, but it was mentally tiring. walked throughout the night yo.

it was krabi after that with jm, joy, boss, jl, jm's friend and my platoon mate hong jun and another platoon mate of mine, lester.

trip was epic. drove around, night markets, rock climbing, snorkeling, canoeing, hot spring and many more. photos to be up when i get them from jm and when i have the freaking time. =)

was posted to scs. hotel company yo. it was fun. lots of freedom. was appointed leader platoon sergeant before being raised to be leader sergeant major. stepped down from the appointments already yo. but the 6 days were stressed as hell. ppl just dont listen sometimes.

had games day and family engagement day at scs ytd. pretty nice. my coy's bball team was eliminated in the first round. i wasn't in that team yo. the team ic anyhow picked the members. so yah lor, i'm not saying i should be on that team but i believe i can do much more than the members who were on that team. seriously, when rp and np sch team members dont make that team, u have to admit that the team ic is fucked up in his selection of members. the team he picked cannot even score one point against my team when we were playing and i am not playing my natural pos. was playing center instead of shooting guard.

whats worse. despite my size and strength disadvantage, i managed to give the 2 centers of the main team a hard time. =)

ok lah. its all over, no use brooding over it. i believe that my time to leave it all out there will come soon. anyway, got gold for ippt, so happy that i'm $200 richer.

ciao.

happy new year everyone. i welcomed this new year with jj and jl. was just slacking around with them at downtown the whole time. monopoly deal, dai di, food, music and jiao weis, that's pretty much all we did.

anyway, its the time of the year that i hate the most. lol. its like hitting the restart button. needa come up with new year resolution or something like that. ok. this year, my resolution shall stay the same, 1024 x 768. hahahahaha. thats for my monitor.

anyway, dont have performance review to conduct cause i didn't make any resolutions last year. hahahaha.

did brought over something hateful from 2010. the legendary tekong cough. been at it for 1 month plus. power not? kinda recovered somewhere in the middle of my bmt phase but the major lack of good food during field camp/sit test period made me went haywire after i booked out, thus my current condition. i seriously think that its just a matter of time before i cough out blood and scare the shit outta my mum. =))

i'll spend the bulk of my time this year serving ns, so really nth much to look forward to. i only hope i can become a commander, from my current outlook, most likely a sergeant, and grow and learn more from the process of becoming a commander.

seriously hope that i'll be posted to bmt after i finish my commander course so that i can train recruits. just like the good old ncc days, grooming the next generation. the best possible outcome will be doing it with my current section mates then at least ns life will be fun. hahaha.

as for team18holdings, nth much to say bout this bunch of ppl. they've been there for a long long time in my life, making life fun and its struggles less painful and i'm pretty sure that they wont go anywhere else in the visible future. still my favourite group of ppl. i only hope for the best for them. hope 2011 will be another great year ahead for us though we're pretty much slowing down in havoc-ing but it is good also, shows the growth in us. lol.

basketball wise. dont think i'll be touching it often. haven even touched it once since i enlisted. was planning to train awhile ytd but it rained. too bad. shall see how things go. i think i've come to terms with putting a full stop to my basketball dream. but as i've said, lets see how things go.

i hope i get a placing in smu but thats pretty hard with my "not so up there" gpa. i'm looking forward to the krabi trip with members of team18holdings and i hope after 4 years of drifting, learning, healing, slacking and waiting, i'll be successful this time round.

i still dont have faith in it yet and this might actually be my final bet. ain't gonna show hand yet cause i'm all confused on the next step and i sense hesitation.

anyway! gonna prepare to meet up with my favourite ppl now. =)

belated merry xmas ppl.

the past few weeks were pretty hectic. had field camp, sit test and hand grenade throwing. field camp made me cherish all the little things in life more. overall, it was fun but damn tiring due to the major lack of slp. shell scrape was shit. my area was filled with bricks all the way, took me 5 damn hours to finish it. held a slacking party at my shell scrape the next day because my shell scrape was the biggest. hahaha. i made it wider and longer so i have more space to slp inside. smart eh? was mind fucked on the day we get our letters, cried for the first time since dunno when.

sit test was fun, but the weather really dampened the mood. rained both days when we were about to slp. but the instant noodle session on the second day was real fun. don't really know why but slacking around in the forest with a bunch of friends is really fun. its time like this where ppl bond man.

hand grenade was fun too. the dummy practice the day before was quite tiring. everything went smoothly for my wave on the actual day itself, no blind so quite happy. everything was done on time, went back to coy line and ended up doing shit jobs like area cleaning and plucking of weeds off the sides of the kerbs. really wonder why i get a diploma for. hahahaha.

xmas eve was quite well spent. did what i need to do and count down with team18holdings at harry's. split up at around 1am but went back to burnt mac to talk cock with ky until 2 plus 3.

ok lah. gonna get ready to meet up with my dear team18 brothers for dinner before booking in. book in timing 2110. song right? confirm lights out at 2330 or 0000. honggan. lesser slp-ing time.

week 4 is over.

what a hectic week. ifc for the monday and tuesday, leopard crawled in mud but confirm its nth as compared to the field camp for the coming week.

wednesday was spent resting and cleaning up my wife, tracy. hahahaha.

had live range on thursday. was in line for best shot. had 16/16 for day shoot but tracy's lad zeroing was off so had problems during the night shoot. so in the end zhun zhun 26/32, just nice for marksman.

woke up at like 0445 for the live range and went to slp at 0645 the following morning. swee not? shag ttm. could have been faster if not for the 1 hour plus rain and 4 hours plus black out. hahahaha.

field camp next week. kinda looking forward to it and kinda not. am looking forward to the talking cock sessions, the night views, the ghost walk and so on. not so looking forward to the mind fuck and tekaning sessions.

and oh yah. tekong had some good sceneries man. the night sky is awesome. filled with stars, unlike singapore. and there's this place behind rocky hill camp that overlooks the whole forested area in tekong and had a sea view, very nice place. one of my section mates wanna request our sec com to take us up there one more time after all the high key events are over just to slack. good good idea.

till next time yo and good luck for tml's stand chart arh, jm and ky.

hey hey, finally booked out. lol. actually this is the second book out already. the first one was on hari raya eve. out for less than 24 hours and then booked in again.

what can i say up util now? hmmm, other than the scorching sun and tekaning sessions, army life is quite fun. can't sit down though, cause the moment my butt touch something solid, jit tao slp one. lol.

took ippt. got pass only. but potential gold. only station to work on now is my chin up. the previous one i think at least 8 chin ups but counted as 6 nia. so sadded.

2.4 improved alot over the few weeks. first time i ran was 10.12 and now it improved to 9.22. hope can break into the 8 minutes mark, but confirm need to train like one dog.

had imt ytd. marksman seh. 31/32. not bad hor. hope live range is somewhat exactly the same. lol.

gonna meet brothers soon. =)

going on vacation tml. going away to the famed tekong chalet. so as u all know, free lodging, free gym, free food and blah blah blah, all the other craps.

gonna side track abit from all my slackings for the time being and protect the nation. lol. lets just buy into that for now eh. kinda makes me feel a lil bit important eventhough it really is a "no choice have to serve" situation. haven't really decided if i'm gonna full throttle or half ass through ns yet, but it does serve as a good medium to test my abilities.

went out with bros on friday. watched due date. very good comedy. and then out with ky and jw ytd. drank abit to commemorate the end of an era. no joke, these close to 4 years of post sec sch life were some of my best years. a great era indeed.

so anyway, here's to the next step. first contact in almost 3 weeks time. till then, members of team18holdings and close friends, do take good care of urselfs. u do know who u are so i don't need to list ur names out.

and finally, team18holdings ftw!!!

3D2Y